Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
