I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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