R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
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