I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
