i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
