I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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