I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
