Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
