Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I intend to get homeless drunk
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Randomize
