I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Randomize
