I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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