Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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