My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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