Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
