No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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