This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
