We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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