My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
