Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
