apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
even my farts smell like vagina
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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