Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
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he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
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It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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