we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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