life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Randomize
