I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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