i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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