you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
