He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Randomize
