i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
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