The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
