Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
