I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
The uberlube is also flammable
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
