Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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