Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Randomize
