Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
