I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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