There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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