i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
