Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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