My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
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We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
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My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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