theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
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He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
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99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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