I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
did you just send me my own nude
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
