Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I will pee on everything he values.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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