I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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