My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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