sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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