i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Randomize
