i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
