I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
