Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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