Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
