i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
