i think my tv is drunk
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
