It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Randomize
