Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
