she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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