The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize