No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
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