I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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