i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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