I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Houston, we have a blender
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
